Comments on the first essay

Grammar

Correct spelling is a jolly idea.

Writing in sentences is probably a good idea.

Paragraphs are equally a"good idea. Between paragraphs there is often a blank line. Alternatively, you can indent the first line of the paragraph by about one tab space.

Generally, there are no spaces before punctuation marks and one space after (but not with open brackets).

"As well", "a lot" are all pairs of words.

Anthropomorphism

To be eschewed.

Information technology does not cause events, that can only be humans or deities, if you believe in them.

Bibliographies

No university essay should be without one.

Citations should be complete. In the case of a book that means: author, title, date of publication, publisher, place of publication (not necessarily in that order).